Promises? Not kept?

So, I was thinking. Sydney Anderson says promises were made but not kept by either Utah or Beth Launiere. What could those promises have been....hmm....

Top 5 Promises Beth Launiere might not have kept:
5. To move the University of Utah University to California in order to fulfill Anderson's beach ball dreams.
4. To not let the CW cancel "Veronica Mars."
3. To develop Utah into a top 10 program...oh wait, that actually did happen.
2. To make Urban Outfitters the official uniform supplier of Utah volleyball.
1. To not take the team to Europe.

The other shoe falls

Sydney Anderson, she of the much publicized double-defection from Utah a year ago, has decided to become a Husker according to the Lincoln Star-Journal.

“I really always wanted to go to California because I love the beach and I want to play beach volleyball,” Anderson said.

Um, wow, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Nebraska's kinda, you know...land-locked.

"The sands of change, however, have steered Anderson to Nebraska."

Oh, OK. The sands of change. Are those related to the sands of time from Days of Our Lives? But later we get one of the most substantive quotes from Anderson about why she left Utah.

"Me and the coach (Beth Launiere) didn’t get along,” Anderson said on Friday. “Promises were made and weren’t kept, and it just hit me that I needed to move on.”Well, yeah, that's the most we've had explained, and yet I have, oh, a billion more questions now.

Worst. Year. Ever.

Toone is out at Utah, for the year. I repeat, Toone is out.

And somewhere, on top of a mountain, Beth Launiere shakes her fist at the skies and yells, "Why hast thou forsaken me?!"

When it hypothetically rains...

Do you think Beth Launiere saw this headline and thought "Oh NOW WHAT?! #$@*!!! Who hates me up there? WHO?!"

Of course, in this imaginary scenario, she then realized by Utah the headline didn't mean "Utah" Utah...at least that's what happened when I first read it.

Bob Newhart does the Launiere / USAV phone call

"Hello? Well, hi, Beth, what can I...yes, yes I read those quotes too...no, I don't know who would have, um, 'facilitated the destruction of your starting lineup,' but I'm not sure that's how I'd...uh-huh, uh-huh...no, I don't know what it feels like to have your spleen ripped out. I'd imagine it doesn't, doesn't tickle, heh-heh...no, you're right, that wasn't funny...I'm sure having two starters transfer doesn't tickle, uh, at all...well, are you sure they're that important to your team? ...no, I don't think you're stupid..."

Can you hear me now?

"We'll be calling USA Volleyball about comments made in The Tribune and finding out where that came from."
- Beth Launiere

I know people say "I'd love to be a fly on the wall," but...I would REALLY love to be a fly on the wall for that phone conversation.

"USA Volleyball."

"Yes, this is Beth Launiere calling."

"H-h-hold, please."

(whisper)

"It's Beth Launiere!"

"Oh my God!"

"What do I do?! What do I do?!"

"I don't know! Hang up?!"

"What?!"

"Just hang up and we'll tell Tom when he gets back from lunch!"

"Good idea."

(click)

"...hello? Li'l help?"

And the fun continues...

Well that's an unfortunate reaction, but not unheard of with such a sudden, stunning departure. Not sure it's true about Salvo not being clutch, as I'm sure there will be gobs of schools vying for both her and Anderson's services.

I think it's obvious what's going on here. Something more happened than hijinks on that trip to Italy and Croatia; Anderson and Salvo were brainwashed.

By who? Well, the team took a trip to the Vatican City. Undoubtedly an emissary for the Catholic Church, thinking they were striking a blow against the Church of Latter Day Saints, decided to implant a tiny microchip into both players' cerebral cortexes, which, when activated, caused both to come to the conclusion that Utah is not the place for them. This same subversive cabal is responsible for Andrew Bogut's less-than-overwhelming NBA career thus far, as well as any bad publicity for presidential candidate Mitt Romney.

At least that's my theory.

Next step: a big-budget movie starring Tom Hanks with a really, really awful choice of haircut, where he tries to interpret scribblings by Salvo and Anderson on the walls of their Utah dorm rooms.

USA staff apparently (OK, "allegedly") screwing with other people's livelihoods

"We just got back from the A2 tryouts and the staff said the conference was just not that tough," Salvo's mother Lori said. "They're not playing against top players in top conferences."

That's Lori Salvo, mother of Utah deserter Airial Salvo after news broke that Airial and teammate Sydney Anderson are bailing on the Utes for loftier heights, apparently after receiving advice from "the staff" at the A2 tryouts.

That sound you hear is the USA Volleyball infrastructure crumbling to the ground, combined with Tom Pingel developing an instantaneous ulcer.

Don't you think head coach Beth Launiere would love a little conversation with the rocket scientist at USA Volleyball that gave her two budding young stars such stellar advice?

"Hey, thanks for that. Really. You're a peach. Did you want to run over my dog, too?"

Can we expect more super terrific interventions in the future from USA staff members? If so, why would any college coach at a school other than Stanford, Penn State, Washington, etc., advise their players to tryout for any USA team?

Why would you? Why send your talented kids to USA Volleyball when there's a danger of someone telling them they need to leave their current school because of a lack of competition?

And correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Utah a Top 10 team last year? With everyone returning? And aren't they playing in the AVCA Showcase next year?

Well according to Mrs. Salvo, Airial and Anderson "want to play for a national championship and become Olympians."

And that's impossible as a Utah Ute? Sure, the odds of achieving the former are tougher at Utah than at Nebraska, Stanford, Penn State, and Washington, but what do you want, the whole thing handed to you on a silver platter?

As for wanting to be an Olympian, this really has even less to do with where you go to school. Stacy Sykora, Lindsey Berg, Charlene Johnson, Demetria Sance, Tammy Liley, Liane Sato, Janet Cobbs, Mickisha Hurley, and Yoko Zetterlund did not play for Top 5 programs. You know what they did do? Play in the Olympics.

Utah Utes: Report #5 is the harbinger of doom

A desperate cry for help.

Report #5 for the Utes' trip to Italy and Croatia and...it's not looking good. Dark clouds are gathering. Some of the girls rode bikes to a nearby beach where there was "some mysterious guy in a mitsibishi [sic] that was following them around.....so Connie says?" That can't be good. Guys in Mitsubishi's are shifty.


Although the author of today's journal, Kate Robison, doesn't seem to have much respect for teammate Connie Dangerfield's account of the incident. But when your last name is Dangerfield, that's what happens: no respect (ba-dum bum, 2, 3, 4...).

Things didn't get any better when Whitney Webb--fresh from splitting her melon--warned Hilary Taylor that an obviously man-eating spider was descending upon her, whereupon Taylor immediately whipped out a knife and somehow knocked Airial Salvo out of her chair.

I think I'm going to need a diagram to completely understand that chain of events. Spider (A) descends on Taylor (B), who brandishes a knife she apparently always carries for just such an occasion(C), knocking Salvo out of a chair (D).

Rube Goldberg would be soooo proud.

The rest of the report involves getting locked out of rooms, actual volleyball competition and practicing, along with some English as a second language instruction. But I'm telling you, the signs are undeniable: stalkers, knives, and mysterious "locking doors" preceded by head-splitting...GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN, BETH! RUNNNN!

Utah volleyball survives first day

As we pointed out earlier, Beth Launiere has taken her Utes overseas where there's a smidge of risk they could fall victim to the plot of a really, really bad horror movie.

But the truth, revealed in their first player journal, is pretty mundane so far: "All the flights went well and everyone's luggage showed up."

Snoozeville. Where's the international intrigue? When will Airial Salvo get caught up in some kind of Cold War / espionage / double agent power struggle? Apparently no time soon, as the players were busy "taking pictures of anything that we saw. Cars, buildings, fields, roads, and even the famous 'Skate or Die' pictures."

Famous "Skate or Die" pictures (Totally should have taken that art history class in college)? Were they then stolen in a well-planned heist that was a mix of James Bond and Thomas Crowne?

"We all bought bird food and fed the birds and many of us had 5-6 birds on us at one time."

Well, that's not really that scintillating. Is it too much to ask for Coach Launiere to say "Shaken, not stirred" just once? Or to have her coordinate efforts with Chloe from the CTU bunker?

Utes take their lives in their own hands

Utah volleyball head coach Beth Launiere is taking her Utes overseas to play in Italy and (gulp) Croatia.

Am I the only one that saw "Hostel"?

The article promoting the trip promises photos and player journals: Day 5. Locked out of our hotel! Met a friendly guy who told us about a great hostel nearby. Coach Launiere wasn't sure it was a good idea, but we all said "Why not? What's the worst that could happen?"

Dream a little dream...

The teams and location of next year's AVCA Showcase have been decided, giving the head coaches of UCLA, Nebraska, Utah, and Tennessee a chance to dust off their moldiest platitudes about the great honor of being a part of the tournament, what a tremendous event, bleep blop blorp.

"UCLA is honored to be invited to participate in the AVCA Showcase," is a pretty typical quote, given here by Andy Banachowski. The quotes by Beth Launiere, John Cook, and Rob Patrick are all pretty much the same, straight out of the Crash Davis School of Sports Quotes.

Wouldn't it be nice, just once, to have a head coach with the candor of, say, Charles Barkley? Why can't Patrick just say, "Look, who am I kidding? We're gonna get clobbered at this thing, but even bad exposure is good exposure"? Wouldn't it be refreshing if Launiere said, "Honestly, I was fed up with people saying our top 10 ranking was a joke, so, hey, bring it beee-atch"?

Wouldn't that be more fun?