Airial Salvo isn't telling us something

Things are not what they seem...especially that hat.

So we come across report #6 of the Utah Utes trip to Europe. We've come a long way.

There's been bloodshed, fiendishly dangerous staircases, Mitsubishi-wielding stalkers, deadly surprise spider attacks, but then suddenly, in report #6...nothing. Airial Salvo, author of this report, tells us about site-seeing, castle escalators, billion-year-old buildings, and Perugian hot dogs.

Salvo's report goes on to describe the Utes' match against a team called Marsciano, and how they did, and what a wonderful experience these matches have been.

Something's obviously wrong.

There's simply no way that the Trip o' Doom has suddenly calmed down to such a level that Salvo has nothing odd or death-defying to report. I think we can only assume that the Utes are being held against their will in some Italian hellhole, and this latest journal entry is a desperate cry for help without tipping off the kidnappers.

For instance, early on Salvo says, "To our surprise we saw some snow. It felt like we were back in Utah." Even a junior cryptologist can tell that this is code for "We were abducted by cocaine dealers, like the kind we have back in Utah."

And the whole bit about the "tough battle" against Marsciano? Everone knows that the Marsciano gang control the Italian underworld. There's more:

...liberos can't serve which results in middle blockers serving and playing defense for one rotation...there are automatic time outs when the first team reaches 8 and 16, and we line up on the sideline instead of the end line.

You know what I get from that? The Marsciano Gang keeps the liberos on the Utah roster separated from the taller players to make sure that the middles don't put the liberos on their shoulders to see out the teeny, tiny windows in their cells. The "automatic timeouts" at 8 and 16 are actually the two times a day that the Utes are allowed out of their cells, 8 a.m. and 4 p.m. But even then they have to stand right next to each other.

The final, damning evidence is Salvo's cryptic signoff: "G2G". Are these coordinates for their location? Could "Gitoogi" be the name of the building in which they're being held?

Tune in next time as we continue to follow the events of this international thriller as they unfold. We can only hope that MI-6 or Scotland Yard or whatever are on their way to this "Gitoogi" place as we speak.