Let me see if I've got this right...

(I'm sorry, but some stories you just. can't. ignore.)

Deitre Collins is leaving her job as an assistant to Joel McCartney at Georgia to go back to Cornell and reclaim her position as head coach, a job she left approximately 5 months ago.

What?

How'd that happen? Did Deitre ever really leave Cornell? Did she have to reapply for the Cornell job? And if so, did she list Joel as a reference?

"And, your last job was...?"

"Georgia."

"And before that?"

"Here."

"Oh that's right. How...silly of me."

So in about five months, Joel has lost both his assistants and his director of volleyball operations. Yikes.

Not that something nefarious is going on, as Kevin was going to leave if the right head coaching job opened up, and the DOO got married, which changes everything.

But...this is like the Wright Brothers showing up at Kitty Hawk, getting ready to test their plane, and then having two wings and a propeller fall off, like Columbus sailing for the New World, and then the Nina rams the Pinta which sinks the Santa Maria.

Hope nobody got too attached or anything

What most people knew for a week or so was officially announced Thursday, as Kevin Campbell ended her expansive, long-running, lengthy, exhaustive term as an assistant at Georgia to become top banana at North Florida.

Campbell was hired by Georgia on March 2nd, which means her stay as a Bulldog lasted just about two months. Things that have lasted longer than Campbell's stay in Athens include:

• Georgia University's spring semester
  
• "The Megan Mullally Show"
  
• Michael Jackson's marriage to Lisa Marie Presley
  
• Yang's engagement to Burke
  
• Any Bill Neville presentation at a Final Four coaches convention

In the same amount of time that she was there, the following things have occurred:

• Tim Cowie was mentioned in association with no less than 12 coaching jobs
  
• Randy Litchfield changed career paths three times
  
• Northern Michigan hired two different head coaches
  
• Minnesota and Penn State learned beach volleyball is not for them
  
• Airial Salvo and Sydney Anderson went to Europe, left Utah, and caused VolleyTalk.net to spotaneously combust
  
• Hurley totally found a VW van and Jack was all "Get out of Juliet's grill" and Kate said "I'm sleeping in my own tent" and Juliet says "I'm creepy but your baby's healthy" and Sun was like "I'm happy?" and Desmond was all "Let's go camping, brotha" and Charlie said "Are you trying to kill me?" and that girl is like "I had a helicopter" and Ben told Locke "Kill your dad, holmes" and Locke's like "Make me."

You know what? I'm not sure she ever really was at Georgia. We all just assumed; we've been duped. I feel awful.

It's like that pebble in a pond thing

Let's apply the Butterfly Effect to the coaching carousel:

A butterfly flaps its wings in Athens, Georgia. The Bulldogs go 6-25, losing their final match to Winthrop, and Steffi Legall is let go. So Joel McCartney decides "The time is nigh, y'all!" and ventures from Winthrop to lead the Bulldog Nation. Meanwhile, in Atlanta Sally Polhamus breaks up the Ramblin' Wreck Triumvirate to become El Coacho Numero Uno at Winthrop. Jen Carey leaves her post at the A&M to join the Bond Shymansky Fun Bunch at Georgia Tech. Kevin Campbell leaves Penn State to help the cause at Georgia which facilitates Steve Aird scooting from Cincinnati to Penn State. This invariably leads to Erin Virtue skipping town at Loyola in favor of Reed Sunahara's Bearcat Lair.

And then, finally, the piece de resistance, Kevin Campbell leaves Georgia because it's not far south enough to become head coach at North Florida.

All because of that butterfly in Athens...or the 6-25 season, whichever you think works best.

Joel McCartney's svenjolly-like influence must be stopped

That Joel McCartney, he's got more surprises up his sleeves than an episode of LOST crossed with X-Files meets Twin Peaks...on acid.

First, he lures Deitre Collins from her cushy Ivy League head coaching job where she only won three conference titles in a row. Now he abducts Kevin Campbell from eventual national champion Penn State (surely, right?) to be an assistant at Georgia. The focused coaching power now assembled in Athens could jumpstart the Hubble telescope.

Campbell--very nice person--is one of the more vexing personalities in volleyball because you always have to qualify her name:

"Who's the other assistant at Penn State?"

"Kevin?"

"No, the woman."

"What?"

"What is on second base."

"I don't know."

"He's playing third."

(golf clap, polite laughter)

McCartney also hired former Winthrop player Mary Hock to be Georgia's Program Specialist.

Wait, what? What in the world is a "program specialist"? Is she in charge of the media guide? Some kind of graphic design / layout ninja? Or is this a computer-based specialty? Is the entire Bulldog program moving to Linux Red Hat or something? I'm so confused...