Let me see if I've got this right...

(I'm sorry, but some stories you just. can't. ignore.)

Deitre Collins is leaving her job as an assistant to Joel McCartney at Georgia to go back to Cornell and reclaim her position as head coach, a job she left approximately 5 months ago.

What?

How'd that happen? Did Deitre ever really leave Cornell? Did she have to reapply for the Cornell job? And if so, did she list Joel as a reference?

"And, your last job was...?"

"Georgia."

"And before that?"

"Here."

"Oh that's right. How...silly of me."

So in about five months, Joel has lost both his assistants and his director of volleyball operations. Yikes.

Not that something nefarious is going on, as Kevin was going to leave if the right head coaching job opened up, and the DOO got married, which changes everything.

But...this is like the Wright Brothers showing up at Kitty Hawk, getting ready to test their plane, and then having two wings and a propeller fall off, like Columbus sailing for the New World, and then the Nina rams the Pinta which sinks the Santa Maria.

Joel McCartney: The Great Orator

Joel McCartney might just be the Martin Luther King, Jr., of our time. The FDR, the Winston Churchill, the Lincoln-Douglas Debates all rolled into one.

Hark! The Great Orator speaks of the impending employment of Chad Callihan!

"His greatest asset in becoming another instrumental element to our future success is his passion for not only the sport of volleyball, but also the University of Georgia and the Athens community."

I just donated $500 to Georgia Volleyball, and I'm not even from there.

"The charge for Georgia volleyball is to rise up nationally to the place it deserves to be..."

Rise up! So that one day Georgia volleyball may be judged not by the color of its uniforms, but by the content of its wins and losses.

Trust and loyalty are the most important character traits for any assistant to possess and I view Chad's strengths to be influenced heavily by this truth."

And we hold these truths to be self evident that all Bulldogs are created equal, that they are endowed by their head coach with certain unalienable goals, that among these are Wins, Championships and the pursuit of Florida.

For what it's worth, Callihan becomes the second head coach to abandon their head coaching position to be an assistant for McCartney, after Deitre Collins hyphen Parker left Cornell.

Hope nobody got too attached or anything

What most people knew for a week or so was officially announced Thursday, as Kevin Campbell ended her expansive, long-running, lengthy, exhaustive term as an assistant at Georgia to become top banana at North Florida.

Campbell was hired by Georgia on March 2nd, which means her stay as a Bulldog lasted just about two months. Things that have lasted longer than Campbell's stay in Athens include:

• Georgia University's spring semester
  
• "The Megan Mullally Show"
  
• Michael Jackson's marriage to Lisa Marie Presley
  
• Yang's engagement to Burke
  
• Any Bill Neville presentation at a Final Four coaches convention

In the same amount of time that she was there, the following things have occurred:

• Tim Cowie was mentioned in association with no less than 12 coaching jobs
  
• Randy Litchfield changed career paths three times
  
• Northern Michigan hired two different head coaches
  
• Minnesota and Penn State learned beach volleyball is not for them
  
• Airial Salvo and Sydney Anderson went to Europe, left Utah, and caused VolleyTalk.net to spotaneously combust
  
• Hurley totally found a VW van and Jack was all "Get out of Juliet's grill" and Kate said "I'm sleeping in my own tent" and Juliet says "I'm creepy but your baby's healthy" and Sun was like "I'm happy?" and Desmond was all "Let's go camping, brotha" and Charlie said "Are you trying to kill me?" and that girl is like "I had a helicopter" and Ben told Locke "Kill your dad, holmes" and Locke's like "Make me."

You know what? I'm not sure she ever really was at Georgia. We all just assumed; we've been duped. I feel awful.

One small step in McCartney's plans, one giant step for Georgia volleyball

Shiny, brand new Georgia head coach Joel McCartney, fresh off his hiring coup, knows a thing or two about rebuilding volleyball programs. He took Winthrop and molded it into a finely tuned winning machine. Let's listen in on his battleplan for the Bulldogs:

"The first step in this rebuilding process is to develop a winning program."

It's just like listening to Sun Tzu.

Are there any other steps in there, somewhere? Silly me, I thought developing a winning program was the end result of the rebuilding process. It's kinda like saying "The first step in rebuilding the Milwaukee Brewers is winning the World Series."

Waitaminute...do you see what's happening here? Joel, in his bloodthirsty strive for power, isn't going to be satisfied with simply developing a winning program! He's...OUT TO RULE THE WORLD.

You're next! You're next! You're next!

Joel McCartney's svenjolly-like influence must be stopped

That Joel McCartney, he's got more surprises up his sleeves than an episode of LOST crossed with X-Files meets Twin Peaks...on acid.

First, he lures Deitre Collins from her cushy Ivy League head coaching job where she only won three conference titles in a row. Now he abducts Kevin Campbell from eventual national champion Penn State (surely, right?) to be an assistant at Georgia. The focused coaching power now assembled in Athens could jumpstart the Hubble telescope.

Campbell--very nice person--is one of the more vexing personalities in volleyball because you always have to qualify her name:

"Who's the other assistant at Penn State?"

"Kevin?"

"No, the woman."

"What?"

"What is on second base."

"I don't know."

"He's playing third."

(golf clap, polite laughter)

McCartney also hired former Winthrop player Mary Hock to be Georgia's Program Specialist.

Wait, what? What in the world is a "program specialist"? Is she in charge of the media guide? Some kind of graphic design / layout ninja? Or is this a computer-based specialty? Is the entire Bulldog program moving to Linux Red Hat or something? I'm so confused...