The "Northern Iowa Situation" analyzed for your amusement

"We're 5th seed! Haters: to the left."

So the inevitable backlash against Northern Iowa has started, raging like a wild fire across the internet. And the UNI backers have arrived in force to cast the backlashers as "hatas." To all of which we would like to offer the immortal words of...someone, who said: "Don't hate the playa; hate the game."

And what game is that? The committee, the RPI, the parameters, the whole kit-and-kaboodle of the selection process. It's a game that doesn't make sense, just like the reasoning behind Paper beating Rock.

According to the bylaws of Rock, Paper, Scissors, we're supposed to believe that Paper beats Rock by wrapping around it, when everyone knows that Rock would fly right through Paper any day of the week (unless we're talking about a whole ream of paper, stacked together like some paper-based shielding system). But the parameters of Rock, Paper, Scissors, inexplicably dictate that Paper beats Rock.

But you don't hate Paper because of that, do you? You don't start using cloth napkins and and fine china at picnics, do you? No.

In a similar fashion, according to the RPI (Random Process of Indexing), and via the committee's particular alchemy based on selection parameters and prevailing trade winds, we're supposed to believe that Northern Iowa is the #5 seed in the tournament.

But most people don't believe that Northern Iowa is the 5th-best team in the nation. And that's not a swipe at Northern Iowa. They're good, very good. People love them, just as they love Paper. And just as it's not Paper's fault that they beat Rock, it's not Northern Iowa's fault that they're the #5 seed.

Which brings us back to "Don't hate the playa; hate the game."

Adding to the frustration of volleyball fans and Rock, Paper, Scissors enthusiasts across America is that they have no recourse. There's no appeals process in the NCAA tournament, just as there's no governing board for Rock, Paper, Scissors to which you can present your Paper-based arguments.

And, BTW, don't turn your back on Paper, just because they're Paper. Ever had a paper cut? There you are, casually handled a bunch of paper, not knowing that unbelievable pain is lurking around the corner, when SLICE! Paper cut!

You see where this is going, right? Northern Iowa could be the paper cut of the NCAA tournament. If you think you're going to casually shuffle the Panthers around, then when you're not paying attention you're going to incur a searing, agonizing slice across your team's fingers.

...or something. That got kinda confusing.