"OK, who had the pastrami? Oh, I did. Veal cutlet? On wheat?"

We're back! You're back? My back. Outback. Steakhouse. It's been a while, so...what'd we miss? I assume Washington won the national championship last year? No? Back to the drawing board, GM2.

Opening weekend! I love the smell of leaves in the air, the ridiculously over-heated gyms, the wa-- HOLY CRAP AUBURN BEAT NEBRASKA. Auburn. AUBURN. Auburn? This program has come a long way since...well, since Thursday, right? All other upsets this opening weekend, sorry, but nobody cares, you know, about someone beating UNI, blah blah blah.

But I suppose, being the first day back, we'll go through the motions.

Badgers? We don't need no stinkin' Badgers -- How many starters does first-year coach Kelly Sheffield have to lose before Pepperdine can beat them? Wisconsin lost everyone and the Kitchen Sink ("Kitchen Sink" being Carlini's new nickname), yet still went 3-0 in the 'Bu.

Illini sweep 'Noles! - Illinois's back! They hit a bump last year but with this win, they're obvio-- oh, wait. Hold on.

Long Beach sweeps Illini! - Please tell me we don't have to take the 49ers seriously this year. I just got back. Cut me some slack.

Let's all be disappointed in Texas again! - Speaking of cutting someone some slack, I'm more than willing to look the other way after Texas lost to the Rainbows: the match was in Hawaii, there's all that dewy south Pacific air, papaya everywhere; it's a madhouse.

Kansas had an interesting weekend - Lose to Central Arkansas (YIKES) then beat Gregg Whitis' Arizona team. We always pull for Ray. Or is it push. So when something like this happens we're torn. HA. Natalie Imbruglia.

Battle for Chicago won by Kalamazoo - Western Michigan establishes a beachhead on the shores of Lake Michigan! Wildcats almost lost the northern front to UWM, too. Batten the hatches, Keylor!

Indiana sweeps Rutgers - Good luck with that whole Big Ten thing, Scarlet Knights. Just remember all that football money you guys'll get.

Speaking of which, Tar Heels sweep Irish - If this were only the future, UNC would now be 1-0 in the league.

Not Northern Iowa's favorite start, is what I'm sayin' - Bobbi gets beat by Beth and Dubose. Be bamboozled by this befuddling bloodletting.

DUCK(S)! - Wait, weren't the Ducks in the title match last year? Yes, Texas won that title match and lost to Hawaii this weekend, but -- with all due respect to Captain Theis -- Ohio ain't Hawaii; no papaya anywhere.

Lee Daniels' other story about the Butler - It's the one where the Bulldogs beat Cincy and Tennessee. I would've thought the only way the Bulldogs could beat Tennessee is if most of the Vols' 2012 starters transferred. Wait, they did? How long have I been gone?