Sacred Heart Volleyball wins the lottery of life

In your life, you undoubtedly encounter concepts that are tough to wrap your brain around: quantum physics; Schrodinger's Cat; Sanjaya not getting drop-kicked off "American Idol." Then there's Sacred Heart landing Rob Machan as their new volleyball coach.

I think my head's gonna explode. Ever see Scanners?

Do you think Sacred Heart even understands how HUGE this hire is? The program is 20-91 over the past four years. Machan is a quality coach with a track record of nothing but winning, both at the club level with Asics Power and in college with USC. In fact the only criticism we can find is that Machan seems to have forgotten the location of his Schick Quattro.

Sacred Heart A.D. Don Cook said, "We are very fortunate to have been able to attract someone like Rob from an area so rich with volleyball tradition." Ya' think? No kidding you're fortunate. Almost...too fortunate.

Obviously, a deal with the devil is out of the question, as the religious nature of the campus would preclude the administration from such an agreement, lest a plague of locusts engulf the campus, devouring everything in sight.

Is there perhaps some kind of connection between the Sacred Heart booster club and the Fairfield, Conn., mafia? Did someone in a $1,000 suit and pinkie ring extend a proposal that Machan couldn't in good conscience reject? (i.e. make him an offer he couldn't refuse)

All I'm saying is that if Joe Pesci shows up at a Machan family picnic, we'll know something's up.