Mary's arms are too short and she's looking for cracks and...

Florida's playing Penn State in the first match of the Gainesville Regional, and the Gainesville Sun has done an article about it, apparently to see how many superlatives Mary can jam into 12 paragraphs:

"You are just trying to get your arms around how good they really are." 

Well, with your bad back, Mary, you shouldn't be trying to get your arms around anyone. (Ferris Bueller)

"There are no weaknesses." 

Not even chocolate? Puppies? Puppies eating chocolate?

"We are looking for cracks and there are none to be had." 

Mary's been watching video with a remote in one hand and spackle in the other. 

"You’ve got one of the all-time best coaches (Russ Rose), coaching them." 

As we read about, IN THE NEW YORK TIMES!

"There aren’t any cracks on that team." 

Just a lot of smooth concrete. Yes, yes, Penn State is the sidewalk of college volleyball.

"If there were (cracks), they wouldn’t be able to rattle off 14 out of 15 matches without dropping a set." 

Enough with the cracks already. We get it, they're crackless. 

"If women’s volleyball had a NBA-type draft, these would all be lottery picks." 


(begin dream sequence)

"With the first pick, in the first round, Penn State selects...Megan Hodge."

"Oh, a brilliant pick for the Nittany Lions."

"You like that pick?"

"Oh absolutely. At 6'4" and with unbelievable hops, Hodge is a one-person wrecking crew."

"But might the Nittany Lions have been better off with a more versatile player, such as Ashley Engle, the talented southpaw out of Yorba Linda, California?"

"Well that all depends on what happens to Alisha Glass. If Texas picks Engle, that means they no longer need a potential setter, as some are projecting Glass to play that position in college. Glass slips to the second round..."

"Where Russ Rose then takes care of his setting opening. But, they just drafted Fawcett last year! Why do you back up an outside hitter with another outside hitter?"

"It's Russ Rose. He knows what he's doing. Did you know he got his master's degree in volleyball statistics, or something?"

"Let's go back to the podium, where Kathy Deboer is ready to announce UCSB's pick already! They've only been on the clock for 30 seconds!"

"With the second pick, in the first round, UCSB selects...Stephanie Brandt from Irvine, California."

"Interesting!"