Murray State students completely helpless when faced with bleachers

I know people often joke about college students being helpless, not being able to take care of themselves, but this item from The Murray State News Police Beat Summary for January 26 is not helping any:

3:59 p.m. A caller from the Regional Special Events Center reported a volleyball stuck on the top of the bleachers.

...really? You got a ball stuck on top of the bleachers, so you called the cops? Really? Any open gym player worth his salt has scaled a set of bleachers to retrieve a shanked pass at least once in their lives, or at least contacted someone in the facility to open the bleachers up. But I guess no one considered calling the cops. I wonder if they call in SWAT when a frisbee gets stuck in a tree...

Here's our other favorite item mentioned on the Police Beat Summary.

7:49 p.m. An officer at Clark College responded to a complaint that two male subjects were making noise in front of the college. The officer advised the subjects to keep the noise down.

Ooo! Someone was making noise at [gasp] 7:40 p.m.?! The horror!